


A special form of torture

by ginnyvos



Category: White Collar
Genre: Alternate Universe - Pirate, Corsetry, Crack, Crossdressing, Dialogue-Only, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-27
Updated: 2012-01-27
Packaged: 2017-10-30 05:04:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 966
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/328050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ginnyvos/pseuds/ginnyvos
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"But how do you move?"</p><p>"Quit yer whining, you pansy, and deal with it. Now hold on, I'm going to pull again."</p><p>"Ack! Forget moving, how do you breathe?"</p><p>"I practice holding my breath a lot. I'd better start if I were you."</p>
            </blockquote>





	A special form of torture

**Author's Note:**

  * For [rabidchild67](https://archiveofourown.org/users/rabidchild67/gifts).



> Author's note: Written for rabidchild67, who wanted pirates for her birthday and actually got me inspired that way. This is my first (and so far only) White Collar fic, so do let me know what you think!

"But how do you move?"

"Quit yer whining, you pansy, and deal with it. Now hold on, I'm going to pull again."

"Ack! Forget moving, how do you breathe?"

"I practice holding my breath a lot. I'd better start if I were you."

"Are you kidding me?"

"No."

"Fuck."

"Yes. Now quit your whining, you pancy assed little cabin boy, or I'm going to decide it needs to be tighter after all."

"..."

"Oh wipe that look off your face. As a matter of fact, don't only whipe, shave as well! No wench I know has that much facial hair! Well except for Magadal, but she's a special case and a special cliëntelle. Make-up is by the mirror. Go play. Moz? Moz! Get your ass over here! And take the bronze and gold curdle, it'll compliment your eyes! Don't you 'Iep' me mister! Get your ass over here! What are you? A fearsome pirate or wuss?"

"Neal, safe me, she'll kill me!"

"Just... Just as soon as I fig- figure out how to- to breathe...!"

"I suddenly- ah- I suddenly remembered I have a very severe allergy for corsets! I really can't join the two of you! I'm so sorry but I have this- This thing and I- No, Alex! Don't-!"

"Mozard Frederich Alderich Maria Haversham, you will get your pansy little ass over here and bring me that curdle... Wuss."

"No, I- Nonononono, don't do it Alex, I'll die! I swear I'll die!"

"Men. Utter wusses, all of them. Done in by some clothing. And they fancy themselves the stronger gender. And pirates! Puh! Pancy-assed cabinboys, all of them. Moz, get over here or I'll tell Neal what really happened to make that blonde from two nights ago ditch him."

"Moz...?"

"You! Get back to your make-up. You're supposed to be an artist, how do you not know how to apply a bit of mascara? Moz, here, now."

"Iep!"

~*~

"Moz...?"

"..."

"Moz, I know you're only pretending to have fainted."

"..."

"I hope you know you make the most hidious tavernwench I have ever seen."

"Speak for yourself, miss Broadjaw! Whose idea was it again to get the plans off of the admiral by posing as tavernwenches?"

"Yours, actually."

"Oh, right."

"..."

"..."

"Moz, I hate you with the fiery passion of a thousand burning hells, all compressed into a little ball of utter hate, with a dash of Davy Jones' Locker thrown in and a bloody corset wrapped around it."

"..."

"I'll go and call Alex to tell her you want your corset a little tighter after all."

"Fuck you, Neal, fuck you."

"Didn't know you where into drag too."

"... Oh for the love of... Go to Davy Jones Locker and never come back."

"Same to you Moz, same to you."

"Now than ladies, that wasn't so bad right? Let's go steal ourselves some naval documents."

"Alex, you are enjoying this way, way too much."

"I hate you both."

~*~ 

"I feel unaccountably jealous."

"Of who? Neal or admiral Burke?"

"Neal. Burke. Both. Who'd have thought a fleet admiral was going to be that hot?"

"He oozes Navy so much I think I'm having an allergic reaction."

"And why the fuck would he go for Neal instead of me? I mean, he's a good looking man, but he's a man for fucks sake!"

"Look at them, all over each other. Wasn't that guy supposed to be married?"

"I'll just bet he's tiny in the pants and he didn't dare to take on a hot piece of ass like me because he knew he was going to be a disappointment."

"I won't be able to touch Neal for months now! He'll be invested with navy cooties!"

"Did he just cop a feel? He has to know by now those are fake boobs... Moz, be honest, is Neal a prettier woman than me?"

"I'll have to wear gloves whenever I'm around him!"

"Moz, tell me I'm much prettier than Neal right now or I'll send you to Davy Jones Locker and find a way to dance on your grave!"

"Iep! You're much prettier! Much prettier, I swear!"

"Is he... Are they...? Neal can't honestly think Burke isn't going to find out all about him if he lets Burke take him to his room right? Right?"

"We're doomed! We have to save him! His brain has been invested with Navy-cooties! Let's go safe him!"

"Moz, they're gone. Where did they go?"

~*~

"So... You want to tell me why I find one of the most notorious pirates of my time walking around a bar in drag? And a corset no less?"

"Would you believe me if I told you I enjoy it?"

"Not really. I sure as hell do though. How do you even breathe?"

"Practice holding my breath a lot. How does Elisabeth stand these things?"

"She doesn't, but I hear she rather enjoys my... Reaction whenever she wears one."

"I'm beginning to see her point... That was hot as hell."

"You should go and see her sometime soon, she misses you."

"I know, it's been way too long..."

"Sure has been. Now weren't you supposed to be stealing some documents from me?"

"Can't you just give them to me?"

"If you want them bad enough to wear a corset? No fucking way. Come back wearing that tomorrow night though, and I might be convinced..."

"You are evil."

"I am a completely honest, law-abiding officer of the naval army. You're the evil pirate here. You wound me, Neal."

"Right, sure you are. If I'm an evil pirate and you a law abiding naval officer, shouldn't you have taken me prisoner right there in the bar?"

"Give me 10 minutes to regain some strength and I'll show you exactly how I want to take you!"

"El is right, your reaction is totally worth the torture..."


End file.
